I can't sleep, so now's as good a time as any to start this blog. My first. In the vein of the show STANDING UP: BATHROOM TALK & OTHER STUFF WE LEARN FROM DAD I've got some musings to share with y'all...or maybe they're rants (which are more in the vein of the show)...okay maybe a 70/30 rant to musing ratio. Yeah. 70/30.
Why are you never with your funny friends when you have a non-homeless but shit-show-crazy person train experience? Instead of viewing it as the 2010 summer blockbuster that is not coming to a theatre near you; sharing in the merriment with your funny-assed friend who will help you regale it for your not-as-funny friends the next time you down mojitos at an outdoor cafe, you have to lamely try to recall the highlights yourself knowing that, without confirmation and the wit of the funny friend, the whole thing is just another "you had to be there" moment. I live on the LAST stop of the train. None of my funny friends are EVER there for the train-crazies. And my train is full of 'em!
Today I rode express sitting about six seats away from a man who was quiet for the first several stops of the crowded ride. Then he blares, "I told my son not to get married!" LOUDLY! I figured he had just come from some wedding-related function and couldn't keep his emotions in check for eight more stops. But he goes on, "No woman looks better than the other one and, when she takes off her panties, the room stinks!" Oooop...now I'm wondering if the daughter-in-law cheated or something. And then, "You stink up your panties! You think you're beautiful, but your panties stink." Oh. Okay. BAT-SHIT CRAZY! Hell yeah, it is on! Whatcha got now, Mister? My book is boring! "You stink up your panties and you stink up my bed. You all are beautiful! So what? You got asses and pretty faces and you look good, but why do you get constipated?" It took 'til then for the people sitting next to him to give up the luxury of remaining seated for the avoidance of direct persecution by a nutbag yeller. I'm wondering how tired they had to be to put up with that shit for the first several stops. It must be the heat. He took a break after the grand departure, but not a long one. "I see you over there! You look beautiful, but you got shit in your panties and you got shit in your ass! You're not more beautiful than her and both your panties stink. Don't they? DON'T THEY?" No one laughed. No one said a word. But I'm sure, like me, many were texting the play-by-play so they could get the story accurate at happy hour. But my friends gave me a courtesy chuckle that reeked of "YYes, crazy guy on the train. How unique." YOU HAD TO BE THERE.